This is, again, completely fictional.

I do not consider myself a prude, but UNA, calm down please! My virginal eyes cannot take any more of your sexual innuendo on campus. I thought moving to Florence from Seattle to attend school would mean I would be leaving the sexually “progressive and liberated.” Was I wrong. Today, the average student at UNA is inundated with all kind of innuendos and crass displays pawned off as art!

While on my daily jog around Florence last week, I was joined unintentionally by two new running partners. These gents, while in their late 60s, do not stop running and wear the shortest of shorts with fragmented pieces of fabric they call ‘shirts’ to cover their nips.

While on the run, I couldn’t help but stare at our campus’ Shakespearean statues. Jeez! Juliet, put a sweater on. What are you trying to do, cut glass? Do not even get me started on Romeo and the butt floss he calls tights.

Post jog, I felt a bit short of breath. It could have been a cold or the 67 miles my running partners insisted on. Regardless, I needed some professional medical assistance. After my scoot on my Razor scooter over to the infirmary, I soon regretted my visit. What with all the intrusive questions on my “s.e.x.” life, I needed an inhaler to calm myself down. To cap off this uncomfortable visit, I was not amused by the “Brown Bag Special” at the exit. There is nothing fun about that “Lifestyle!”

I had had enough of this day’s dirty images. This onslaught of uncomfortable and personal questions needed to come to an end. I needed to unwind.

Arguably, one of the most beautiful and tranquil activities on campus is to enjoy our proud mascots frolicking amongst their habitat.

Watching these animals untouched by the dirtiness and perversions of the outside world is humbling. Nothing is more majestic than watching as Leo playfully rubs his mane against Una and shows affection to his … Oh! Come on, Leo, that’s your sister! Someone grab a hose; they’re at it again.

Editor’s Note:

This fictional humor column is the intellectual property of Humor Columnist Mack Cornwell and does not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Flor-Ala staff.