University enacts Hats for Frats initiative

by Mack Cornwell Columnist


This is completely fictional.

Years of sloppily dressed students and apathetically styled hair led UNA to push through its long feared “Hats for Frats” initiative. Students seemed reluctant at first to take up the proposal, but now “a Polo hat is about as easy to spot as a hipster at Einstein Bagels,” says freshman Brandon Pennington. UNA always strives to own up to its progressive reputation, and being the first public university to enforce a hat code is just another step in the D-I transition.

There is no confusing this new implantation on behalf of the UNA staff as suppressive or a form of censorship.

“The university just wants to challenge UNA Greeks to work their picking skills, e.g. to see which color Ralph Lauren baseball cap they will choose today,” said UNA officials.

UNA would like all students to leave the school with the ability to conform to whatever is the present fad so as to get the best job possible. Also, have you been on a D-I campus? Why do you think Alabama is so good at football?

As with most rules that the university implements, they become faced with some criticism or rebellion.

Barry Minor, an Alpha Tau Omega brother, stood up for his rights as “a fricken ‘merican.”

“The man can’t keep me down and tell me what I can and can not put on my body!” Minor said before he walked away-of course, not before sliding on his Kavu visor and making sure his Costas were secured on his neck in case the dramatic glare of the lights in the GUC became too much.

The new RSO WFERBAMN,TIBB (Women for Equal Rights by Any Means Necessary, That Includes Bra Burning) are outraged by the new dress code. A representative of the club came from their picketing line outside the GUC and asked me, “Who does UNA think they are? No person who actually believes in progressive society would implement a dress code.”

The group is standing up to the ruling by wearing their bras on the outside of their shirts and encourages no staff to accept a paycheck until the rule is changed.

The university recognized that it might have been unfair in singling out members of fraternities with a dress code. UNA plans to work with the growing hipster community to up their game. A wardrobe consultant from Billy Reid as been hired to help the students spend two hours every morning putting together an outfit that looks like they threw it on five minutes before jumping on their bike to class.