September is a month I value now. It shows me my growth, and it shows my choice to live. September is suicide prevention month.  As the month of September continues, I am reminded of the lives that did not get to continue. 

When I was 15, I sat in my chemistry class like any other day, when I got a text from my friend, Carley. It simply said, “They’re about to announce it, but someone in the band passed away.” There had been rumors all day. Eventually, Carley told me who, and as soon as she did, here came the announcement. 

I wasn’t super close with this person, but I could see their beauty. We were in the band together, we did robotics together and we had so many mutual friends. They were one of those people who just had love radiating off of them, whether you were close or not. 

This hit me hard. If someone who seemed so happy, so pure, and simply so good wanted to take their life, how naïve was I? The answer was severely. The band room was chillingly silent that day. Nobody knew anything to say, and there was no comfort to be had in that moment. I just knew that if anybody deserved to live, it was the person who chose to die. 

I did not fully understand this until my own suicidal ideation began. I started seeing the world as dull and dreary. It became a task to simply wake up. Being so depressed allowed my intrusive thoughts to take over. Maybe I should just swerve off of the road; at least then it would look accidental. These thoughts became everything to me. They consumed me to the point where I saw no reason to breathe, not even my family. 

At the time I had moved back in with my mom, and I finally confided in her and asked for help. She called a friend of hers who is in the medical field and off we went to Helen Keller. The ER determined me to be a high-risk patient and suggested I go stay in the hospital, and for that I am grateful. 

I left the hospital with so many tools, but most importantly, my life. I got to come back to my apartment with my cat. I got to get a new cat, and slowly turn into an old cat lady. I started a new job that I actually like despite all of the complaining I do while I’m there. I got to move into a house with two people who love me despite the fact that I’m a difficult person. Finally, I get to share my story to maybe one day help someone. 

I make a lot of jokes about my stay, because hey I got some pretty strange stories out of that place, but I also got to reset and realize that I am worth the breath. I am worth the trouble and I am worth all of the love I receive and so are you. 

So, if you or anybody you know are struggling, reach out to someone. It doesn’t make you any less, if anything it makes you stronger. You are good.