I had a difficult time trying to figure out how exactly I want to write this; something that is so deep and so personal to me. It feels like putting my deepest insecurities on blast, unsure if anyone will read or if anyone will care. 

I have rewritten this over three times now, and each time I overthink everything. I worry that it is too revealing, this paper isn’t my diary after all. I’ve considered switching ideas several times, but I just keep coming back to this topic. It means something to me and I have to believe that I can help someone out there feel a little less insecure. I’m so inspired by the writers I work with and how honest and caring they are, and they really do make me believe what I write here can make a difference. So, enough rambling; let’s take a deep dive into how my chest size affects my body image. 

News flash to everyone out there, your body is sexual. That’s right, it doesn’t matter what you do or wear, someone out there is going to view you solely as a sex object. It’s a dreadful feeling, knowing that regardless of how I wish to be perceived, there is always going to be someone who can’t see past my physical appearance. 

I see talented women who are reduced to their breast size, with all their accomplishments ignored. I see talented men who aren’t taken seriously because their body doesn’t look like an Abercrombie & Fitch model. It’s disheartening, especially as a woman with a larger chest size, and it makes me fear for my future. I have ambition and a lot of passion and I need to be seen for my mental values, regardless of my physical figure. 

I have an immensely long history with coming to terms with my body, my chest specifically, and some days I still wake up and decide I’m not comfortable in my skin. It took me a long time to find a sense of style that I’m comfortable in, to feel like it’s okay to leave the house in something a little tight fitting. 

For most of my middle and high school years, I wore loose clothes. I felt like my chest was too large and too noticeable. They ruined the way my side profile looked, making me look top heavy and fat. With loose clothes, you couldn’t see how far they stuck out or how they made my back slouch from the weight. I also ran into an issue with bra sizes. It felt like such a taboo topic to discuss, and I wasn’t comfortable having them measured professionally, so I took a guess at my size. The result was bras that didn’t quite fit or support me enough. Those baggy shirts hid the overflow from my bras being the wrong size and style. 

One of the first times I felt brave enough to wear a tighter shirt, I was made aware of the outline of my bra being visible through the shirt. The next, I was made aware of my nipples poking through. The next, I was told I was too big and I needed to wear larger clothes. 

My advice to anyone who struggles with feeling like your body isn’t proportionate or that your body isn’t socially “standard” or whatever, this is no one standard. People can bitch about how a body is supposed to look, but no one body is ever going to look exactly like another body. If you have a dream goal for how you want your body to look, you set out and make that a standard for you, but don’t make that goal based upon a social body standard. 

By the time I got to college, I had come to terms that my breasts weren’t going anywhere so I should learn to accept them. Obviously, this mentality wasn’t the right way for me to overcome my insecurity. Accepting them because I couldn’t change them was not really accepting, was it? There are always options, there is breast reduction surgery, binders, certain bras, exercise and more that can help reduce the size, so I had options. I just wasn’t looking for those options because I believed that this was it, this was how I would feel and look for the rest of my life. Just know, if you feel you will never be comfortable in your chest, you have options and you don’t have to just accept it. 

But I accepted it would never change and I did begin to wear tighter clothes. I found a style I liked, and tighter shirts fit into that style. Finding clothes that felt like a window into my personality made me feel comfortable and like more people would notice my style, not my body. For the most part, people did. My style was a huge conversation starter and I received various compliments and I started to forget about all of those insecurities that plagued me earlier. Until I delved into the dating scene. 

Opening yourself up to a romantic partner is already revealing, just on a mental level, and regardless of whether or not I dated a guy, I still was obtusely aware that the guys I flirted with would be interested in what was under my shirt. It was hard to differentiate who was talking to me because they were interested in me versus who was talking to me because they were interested in my body. The fear that comes with that thought, never really knowing if I am making a mutual connection or if I’m being ogled like an object. 

All of these fears came to the forefront in a conversation I had with someone I was close with. A conversation where I wondered why people feel the need to stare at my chest; a conversation where the response was, “Your body is sexual,” Just like that, insecurity floods my mind. I will never be seen for my style, or my passion and love, I will only be seen for my larger chest. No matter what I do or what I wear, my body will always be sexual. Suddenly, I’m in high school again, scared to be perceived, hiding behind oversized clothes. I’m a freshman in college again, accepting that this is my body and I’m stuck in it for the rest of my life. Suddenly, I’m not a woman with ambition or talent, I’m just a woman with large breasts. 

This will never be the case though. Hear me when I say, your body is NOT sexual. You are talented and ambitious, you have passion and so much love. People will perceive you as a sex object, it’s just a sad fact of our culture. You will wake up some days and dread being seen, uncomfortable with everything in your closet. But your body is a part of you and you have control over it, without shame and without standard, come to terms with your body. However long it takes, work through it and come to terms with the fact you aren’t stuck in your body, your body is unique and no one else has something so beautifully you.