erainey2@una.edu
Loneliness is a void in one’s heart that can stay for a lifetime. It may be partially filled from time to time, but will it ever truly leave? At its best, the feeling is a low rumbling. A small longing for any connection. At its worst, it’s a debilitating, horrible pain that’s hard to come back from. However, it is far from impossible to crawl back from.
Ever since I was a kid, I always felt isolated. It felt like for whatever reason the other kids at school just disliked me for whatever reason. While this assumption was probably untrue, it still felt that way to me. That same feeling has continued with me into adulthood, when I oughta know better, but for some reason I don’t. That feeling of knowing you’re nobody’s first choice to hang out with, and there’s nothing you can do to change their minds.
I’ve felt some form of loneliness my entire life, whether it being picked last for the dodgeball team in elementary school, or crippling isolation and anxiety in my sophomore year of college. It was so bad, I never thought I would get out of that funk. That the numbness of being alone would swallow me whole, leaving nothing but a hollow shell of what I used to be.
Even now I still get pangs of loneliness, whether I’m sitting in my room playing a game, or walking across campus by myself. Seeing all of these people hanging with their friends, eating, playing games, doing whatever, it hurts sometimes. Perhaps it’s just jealousy, considering I never had a lot of those social experiences as a kid (Hell I didn’t have a sleepover until I was 19, and didn’t invite anyone to my house until I was 17). But whatever it is, I’ve always felt I’ve lacked these things my entire life.
It’s not all bad though. For one, I’ve been able to focus on myself, slowly building a career and name for myself. Second, I’m also not tied down to any location. After I graduate I can do whatever, and go wherever I want, which while it’s a scary thought, it’s freeing. But at the same time, is missing out on these experiences worth the investment in my future? I don’t think there’s any true answer to that question.
But, things are better now. Somehow I’ve found a group of people who understand and respect me, which is all I can ask for. It’s disorienting, I don’t quite know how I stumbled into this, but I like it. I’ve always considered myself a lucky guy, but now I feel like I’ve earned my relationships. While my life is still nowhere near perfect (and likely never will be) it’s better now. And really that’s all I can ask for. If anyone reading this is going through the same thing that I did, trust me, it does get better. It may take a while, and it may be hard, but it will get better somehow.
