There can only be three reasons I am writing this story: It’s a slow news week, my journalism career is at an all-time low or it is finals week and it’s time to “unwind.”

With that being said, I used my expertise this week to make sure your leftover meatloaf goes to the right place, along with my journalism career.

5 places to avoid using the bathroom at UNA

1. The Lion’s Cage

This is not the place to be caught with your pants down.

2. President Kitts’s house

Don’t break into the president’s house just to find out if he really has a bidet or not.

3. The Math Building

Unless you like hot and humid places to take a hot one, avoid this bathroom by any means. Besides, has it even been renovated since the Civil War?

4. The Flor-Ala bathroom

Trust me, you don’t want to go in there. I actually wrote this story in the Student Media Office.

5. Anywhere in Rice or Rivers halls

In most cases, the best place to go is in the comfort of your own home. In this case, you’re better off going to a Golden Corral.

5 best UNA places to stop for a bathroom break

1. Third Floor of Collier Library

During finals week, expect the first floor of the library to be full of students studying for exams. The third floor has a lot less traffic. It’s worth the elevator ride.

2. Anywhere in The Commons

It’s hard to beat a building that isn’t even a year old to take a load off.

3. Second floor of the GUC

Most of the students in this building will be in the atrium eating Chinese food, so avoid the first floor. The second floor, meanwhile, is clean and quiet.

4. Flowers Hall basement

One of UNA’s most well-kept secrets is the bathroom below Flowers Hall. The secret is so well-kept, the janitors even forget, so bring your own toilet paper. It’s literally a “crapshoot.”

5. Keller Hall second floor

Are you starting to see a pattern? The top floor of Keller isn’t as convenient as the ground floor many times, but the spacious stall makes it worth the effort.