“When I try to force myself to sleep at night, all I can think about is how my relationship with my dad will never be what it was when I was his little girl.”

These words on a TikTok post shook me out of my doomscroll. Suddenly, I gained all consciousness and my feelings came rushing in like a tsunami, no way to stop, no way to flee. It was a moment where I allowed myself to just let it out. I cried and I cried some more. 

Recently, I was finally able to wander around my bedroom for the first time in over a month due to the calm and chaos of college. I stumbled upon a colorful notecard on my desk that read “Your mommy loves you”, pictures of me, my siblings and my cousins as children pinned to my messy bulletin board, and a birthday note from my dad of him calling me a superstar when I was in high school. As I look around a room molded to represent me and my life, I am reminded – time is an absolute thief. 

I’ve worried about the concept of time from an early age. From crying to my parents in elementary school because “people die”, to feeling a twinge in my heart at the sight of an old person sitting alone in a restaurant as an adult, I’ve always had one thing known for certain – I don’t ever want to grow up.

 I wish I could say it feels like just yesterday I heard the cartoons on the television while I ate cereal. The “loud bugs” I now know are cicadas outside while the sun sets. Sticky popsicle fingers and dirty feet ready to be washed off after a long summer day. I would do anything just to call my cousin on the home phone to spend hours playing Minecraft, making videos because we swore we’d be YouTube famous one day. 

Childhood feels like it happened a million years ago. I’ve lived so many lives since then. It’s insane to think that at one point in my life, I would go to soccer practice almost every day, do weight training and cardio and play games weekly. I was determined to become a professional soccer player. Getting turned down from playing in college felt like the entire world flipped on its axis. It happened two years ago, but I can’t say I’m over it. How could something that used to feel like my entire world, end ten times quicker than it started? I can’t help but wonder– 

Did I train solo enough? Did I put myself out there as much as I could? Did I annoy enough coaches with emails? Did I use my time wisely?

Words cannot describe how hurt I am writing this because there is no possible way to go back. Why would I ever wish to be older? How did I not appreciate my youth? I am absolutely petrified of the thought of getting old and realizing I’ve wasted my life. But, I somehow cannot halt the endless cycle of procrastination, the biggest indication of time wasting. 

I think to myself how many times I allow excuses like “I’ll do it later”, “This isn’t the right time”, or “When I’m at this point of my life, then I’ll do it”. I am absolutely begging whoever is reading this to end the cycle now. The thief of time doesn’t just end at childhood, it will follow you until your very last breath. 

You can almost never be “too old” to do something. Start a new hobby, learn to dance, try an instrument, post a video, even if you feel embarrassed of what people may think. At least you can say you tried.

It feels cliché to tell you to follow your dreams, but please, follow your dreams. Do not let fear or other emotions get in the way of what will truly make you happy. I feel like a hypocrite writing this because I don’t even listen to myself. I literally admitted earlier I spent hours doomscrolling. So, I’m not really qualified to tell you what to do with your life. I’m also not shaming people who doomscroll. I believe it’s good to wind down with social media sometimes. 

But, let me tell you something that I can say with confidence. I know many years from now, you’re not going to look back on the thousands of videos you watched when you were bored. You may remember the really funny ones, but you know what I mean. Let me put it this way. When you are old, those videos aren’t going to be a priority to you. You’re going to reflect on your life – the memories, good and bad, your family, your friends, and hopefully you look back with great joy, not regret in all of those things you didn’t do. Not the loneliness you feel because you were too afraid to make more friends, getting on your phone in public instead of keeping your head up and interacting with others. Not the grief you hold in your heart because you didn’t spend enough time with your loved ones and now it’s too late. Not the shame of all of those things you could have done but just never got around to because you just “weren’t ready”. 

If you don’t get anything out of this, please just take this one thing. You aren’t dead yet. Live your life the way you’ve always wanted. Try the new recipe, don’t get comfortable doing the same thing everyday unless you truly want that, stop caring what people think, do something stupid (not illegal or dangerous please I don’t want to be blamed). Get embarrassed, cry, FEEL. We are human beings, we aren’t meant to hold all of these emotions in.

In this world, I feel like we have lost the plot. Life isn’t about working 9-5 until retirement, I know it certainly feels like it in this economy. We cannot truly live until we LIVE. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Start now and never again get sucked into that endless cycle of procrastination. Look back at your memories like I did at 1 a.m. in my bedroom. Love the life you live. You get one chance. How are you going to use it?