Old science building becomes dance club

by Sports Editor Dustin Emilio Tarantino Pollard

It is the weekend, and it is time to party because everybody loves to party — especially me, Emilio Tarantino aka Swaggy P, aka the Spicy Italian.

And if you like to listen to club music and shake those hips (and just like Shakira, my hips don’t lie) you are in luck, baby, because Floyd Hall will become a dance club when the new science building opens.

That is right. Is there a better way to use the old science building than making it a dance club? That is a rhetorical question, by the way.

The good news is I will be running the club.

Why me? I did my best Don Corleone impression and made an offer to UNA they could not refuse.

It is just too hard to say no to somebody smoking a cigar. For some reason a person smoking a cigar looks important and confident.

My advice to Hillary Clinton as she starts her presidential campaign is to smoke a Cuban during all of her speeches. Talk about a runaway election.

And I have so many plans for this club we should call the New Deal 2.0, because this is the most important event happening in the Shoals area since the original New Deal.

If we want to make Florence more like a college town, this is the way to do it. Trust me ladies and gentlemen. I am wearing a suit and smoking a cigar, remember?

In the annals of history, people are going to be talking about three things: discovery of fire, how Leonardo DiCaprio never won an Oscar and Emilio Tarantino’s nightclub.

Now, let’s dive into what I am going to do with this massive building.

The first floor will be the lounge area for people wanting to chill and keep it trill at the same time.

The second floor is where the fun does not stop, with a dance floor, stage and a bar.

The third floor is reserved for private parties. Jerry Seinfeld wants his two sons to have their Bar Mitzvah’s on the third floor.

I told Jerry if there is one place to become a man, it is Club Tarantino.

And finally we reach the top floor where my marvelous Italian food will be. It is so good you will want to slap the CEO of Olive Garden.

I know you are already excited by now — almost as excited as I was when I slid into Shakira’s DM’s and she messaged back saying she wanted to butter me up like Wonder bread.

Every week’s lineup will offer the best time of our lives. The lineup is so good it makes the Dream Team look like your church-league team.

Friday it is “Let’s get crunk like a 40-year-old mom at a Coldplay concert night.” The latest hip-hop and pop hits will blare over the speakers all night long. And around here, the party does not stop until 6 a.m.

Just make sure to bring the energy because the dance floor will be rowdy — almost as rowdy as Tiger Woods’ wife when she found out he was cheating on her.

Saturday is “Live it up like Al Gore at a Prius car show night,” featuring live shows from the hottest artists in the game. Drake, Katy Perry and Justin Timberlake among others will make appearances in the fall.

And I am convinced Justin Timberlake is the most talented person in the world (sorry President Kitts, you are second on my list) so who would not want to see him perform?

Celebrities — from John Stamos to Jennifer Lopez — have already contacted me wanting to come hang out at Tarantino’s dance club.

Of course JLo can come (she is like fine wine, just getting better with time) but Stamos needs to do some serious convincing, saying “come on, I was on Full House” is just not good enough anymore, John.

The weekdays will be filled with different activities, so you do not have to wait so eagerly to have the best time of your life again.

Karaoke night is a must, where I will be performing an Outkast or Bruno Mars song every week. Other features throughout the week include open mic night and Latin night.

So what better way to enjoy your college experience than taking advantage of the awesome time at Emilio’s dance club?

From the awesome music and people, dance floor, lounge, Italian food, and drinks served on a petri dishes, the club has all the essentials for a heck of a time. I guarantee.

This is my graduation present to you, UNA students.

You can thank me later.